Greek Entree

GREEK WRAPS

INGREDIENTS

1 head lettuce
1 pound ground pork
1/2 pound ground beef
1 1/2 teaspoon Meat MagicTM spice
1 1/2 teaspoon coriander
Greek cucumber sauce or tzatziki sauce from previous recipe

PREPARATION

This dish works best with the outer, larger leaves of lettuce. Be sure to wash the lettuce and remove any leaves with brown spots.

Mix pork, beef, meat spice, and coriander. Cook meat until browned. Tear off one or two leaves of lettuce. Put about 3 or 4 spoonfuls meat on the leaves, but not so much that you cannot roll up the leaves.

Put about two spoonfuls cucumber sauce on top. Roll up the lettuce leaves so no meat shows. Hold at one end to keep the sauce from dripping out. Eat at the other end.

This is a tasty and healthy variation on gyros.

TIDBITS

1) Lettuce grew as a weed long before anyone ate it.

2) But if lettuce flourished as a weed, then why is it so hard to grow deliberately?

3) I think the definition of a weed is something that grows without help.

4) Food is something that is difficult to grow.

5) There is a town in northern California called Weed.

6) Columbus brought lettuce to the Americas.

7) Spanish explorers brought potatoes back from the Americas. Fair trade, you think?

8) There is no eighth tidbit. My computer decided to update my software at this point.

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World is available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

American Dessert

CHOCOLATE CUPCAKES WITH CREAM-CHEESE FROSTING

INGREDIENTS

CUPCAKE

6 tablespoons butter
6 tablespoons confectionary sugar
3 tablespoons granular sugar
2 eggs
3 tablespoons milk
1/3 cup semisweet chocolate chips
1 cup flour
1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
3 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa

FROSTING

1/2 cup white chocolate chips
3/4 cream cheese

UTENSIL

cookie sheet
12 paper cups
electric beater.

PREPARATION

Take butter out and let it soften. Beat eggs lightly. (After all, they rarely ever beat you. They don’t even seem to try.) Preheat oven to 400 degrees.

Put softened butter, confectionary sugar, and granula. Use same r sugar in mixing bowl. Use beater set on mix until butter and sugars have blended. Add milk, chocolate chips, flour, baking powder, salt, and cocoasetting on beater to blend all the ingredients.

Spoon an equal amount of the batter into each paper cup. Put the cups onto the cookie sheet. Put cookie sheet on center rack and cook at 400 degrees for about 20 minutes or until fork stuck into cupcake comes out cleanly.

Put white chocolate chips in small pot. Cook on low heat until all chips have melted. Stir constantly. Put cream cheese in mixing bowl. Add melted white chocolate chips. Blend with electric beater set to cream. (Some electric beaters have a “burst of power” button. It’s cool, like accelerating a FerrariTM. Well, maybe not. But a cool electric beater costs tens of thousands of dollars less.)

Meanwhile, put an equal amount of the white frosting on top of cupcakes. Serve to deserving people.

TIDBITS

1) Chocolate comes from the Aztec word “xocolatl” meaning bitter water.

2) My spell checker does not recognize “xocolatl.” Perhaps this is fair as the Aztecs didn’t recognize what sugar could do for cocoa.

3) But the 15th century Spaniards did. So, the Spanish royalty sent conquistadors and chefs to the new land.

4) After a generation of bloody conquest of Mexico, the sugar isles of the Caribbean were safe for hot chocolate.

5) Lacking minimal amounts of No DozTM or even Red BullTM energy drinks, Napoleon carried chocolate with him on all his military campaigns.

6) Napoleon’s energized armies racked up victory after victory until his enemies starting carrying chocolate as well. Defeat for the French became certain when chocolate rich Switzerland defected from the Gallic side.

7) The world today remains in a state of precarious peace, based on equal access to chocolate for all nations.

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World is available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

French Entree

CHICKEN CORDON BLEU

INGREDIENTS

6 skinless, boneless chicken breasts
6 slices cooked ham
4 slices Swiss cheese
1/4 cup butter
1/2 teaspoon Poultry MagicTM poultry spice
1/2 teaspoon nutmeg
1/4 teaspoon black pepper
1 teaspoon thyme
1/2 cup sour cream
1 10.5 ounce can condensed cream of chicken soup
1 teaspoon lime juice

UTENSILS

meat mallet
toothpicks
kitchen scissors

PREPARATION OF CHICKEN ROLLS

Preheat oven to 375 degrees. (191 degrees Celsius, 464 Kelvin.) Use this time to attack the chicken breasts. Cut the chicken breasts in half lengthwise.

(This is an easy task if you have kitchen scissors. They sound just like scissors do when you cut hair. Indeed, given the nature of your cutting, you might find yourself thinking of yourself as Sweeney Todd, The Demon Barber. I’d recommend, however, keeping such thoughts to yourself, particularly when dining with your boss or a financee.)

Now you must flatten those chicken halves. Put each half under a plastic sheet and pound. Flatten the chicken breast halves until they are 1/8-inch thick. Use gusto. This job is immeasurably easier with a meat mallet. I heartily recommend buying just for this dish.

(If however, you wish to be contrary, there are few alternatives: the hammer, the brick, and a big can of beans. BUT it will take longer and cause any in the room to doubt your sanity for all time.)

Meanwhile back at the kitchen, cut the Swiss cheese slices in two, lengthwise. Put them on the chicken breasts. Put a ham slice, which should be no larger than the breast half, on top of that. Roll up each chicken breast from the bottom and fasten with toothpicks.

(Fret not if you don’t have toothpicks. Simply, while no one else is looking, snip off the flammable tips of the longest matchsticks you can find. Dispose carefully of the flammable and keep quiet about the whole affair. Remember, your guests have already seen you with a mallet, a hammer, and kitchen scissors. Oh and it should go without saying, never serve this to a vegetarian.)

Put rolled up chicken in a baking dish. Melt butter in pan on medium high heat. Pour butter over rolled up chicken. Sprinkle poultry spice, nutmeg, pepper, and thyme over chicken.

Put in oven for about 40 minutes or chicken is golden brown and juices on pan are clear.

PREPARATION OF SAUCE

Combine in saucepan condensed chicken soup, sour cream, and lime juice. (If a French tut tuts over you using condensed soup, look him in the eye and say, “But of course, it is gourmet condensed chicken soup. Sacré bleu.”) Cook on low heat, stirring occasionally. Serve over hot chicken rolls.

This dish is so wonderful. Be sure to give lots of credit and thanks to anyone who helps clean up.

TIDBITS

1) Between 1796 and 1815, British seamen drank 1.6 million gallons of lime juice to combat scurvy.

2) They were fighting my great, great, great grandfather Napoleon.

3) While I deplore Napoleon’s twenty years of nearly continuous warfare, I do applaud how he revolutionized humanity’s view of the healing properties of citrus.

4) The Spanish conquerors brought death by the hundreds of thousands through war and disease to the New World.

5) However, they also brought the lime with them as well. And the lime is indeed high in vitamin C. Vitamin C promotes health.

6) So the next time you’re tempted to put down some bloodthirsty conqueror, pause a bit and inquire if he didn’t perchance also bring something healthful to the conquered regions.

7) I mean we all have our bad points and good points, don’t we?

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World is available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

American Dessert

CHOCOLATE CUPCAKES WITH CREAM-CHEESE FROSTING

 INGREDIENTS

CUPCAKE

6 tablespoons butter
6 tablespoons confectionary sugar
3 tablespoons granular sugar
2 eggs
3 tablespoons milk
1/3 cup semisweet chocolate chips
1 cup flour
1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
3 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa

FROSTING

1/2 cup white chocolate chips
6 ounces cream cheese

UTENSIL

cupcake pan
12 paper cups
electric beater or mixer

PREPARATION

Take butter out and let it soften. Beat eggs lightly. (They rarely ever beat you. They don’t even seem to try.) Preheat oven to 400 degrees.

Put softened butter, eggs, confectionary sugar, and granular sugar in mixing bowl. Use beater set on mix until butter and sugars have blended. Add milk, chocolate chips, flour, baking powder, salt, and cocoa. Use same setting on beater to blend all the ingredients.

Spoon an equal amount of the batter into each paper cup. Put the cups onto the cupcake pan. Put cupcake pan on center rack and bake at 400 degrees for about 20 minutes or until toothpick stuck into cupcake comes out cleanly. Remove pan from oven and let cool for 15 minutes on wire rack.

Make frosting while cupcakes are cooling. Put white chocolate chips in small pot. Cook on low heat and stir constantly until all chips have melted. Remove from heat. Put cream cheese in mixing bowl. Add melted white chocolate chips. Blend with electric beater set to cream. (Some electric beaters have a “burst of power” button. It’s cool, like accelerating a FerrariTM. Well, maybe not. But a cool electric beater costs tens of thousands of dollars less.)

Spread an equal amount of the white frosting on top of cupcakes. Serve to joyous, clamoring guests.

TIDBITS

1) Chocolate comes from the Aztec word “xocolatl” meaning bitter water.

2) My spell checker does not recognize “xocolatl.” Perhaps this is fair as the Aztecs didn’t recognize what sugar could do for cocoa.

3) But the 15th century Spaniards did. So, the Spanish royalty sent conquistadors and chefs to the new land.

4) After a generation of bloody conquest of Mexico, the sugar isles of the Caribbean were safe for hot chocolate.

5) Lacking minimal amounts of No DozTM or even Red BullTM energy drinks, Napoleon carried chocolate with him on all his military campaigns.

6) Napoleon’s energized armies racked up victory after victory until his enemies starting carrying chocolate as well. Defeat for the French became certain when chocolate rich Switzerland defected from the Gallic side.

7) The world today remains in a state of precarious peace, based on equal access to chocolate for all nations.

Colombian Entree

PAPAS CHORREADAS
(Potatoes with cheese and tomato sauce)

INGREDIENTS

5 red potatoes
1 small white onion
5 Roma tomatoes
2 tablespoons olive oil
1/2 teaspoon chili powder
1/2 teaspoon cumin
1 teaspoon cilantro
1/2 tablespoon flour
1 cup heavy cream
6 ounces mozzarella

PREPARATION

Heat water on high temperature in large pot. While water comes to boil: wash potatoes, mince onion, and dice tomatoes. Put potatoes in boiling water. Cook on medium-high heat for about 30 minutes or until potatoes are soft to the fork. Remove potatoes.

While potatoes are cooking, add olive oil, onion, chili powder, cumin, and cilantro. Sauté on medium-high heat for about 5-to-10 minutes or until onions are tender. Stir frequently. Mix in flour. Add heavy cream and mozzarella. Cook for about 5 minutes until cheese melts and sauce boils. Stir frequently. Remove from heat. (Note, the culinary arts concern themselves exclusively with solid and melted or liquid cheese. I have yet to see a cookbook or recipe that calls for gaseous cheese. Imagine being able to breathe cheese. Warning! Cheese air is really hot.)

Cut potatoes in half. Pour sauce evenly over each potato.

What do you think of this recipe?

TIDBITS

1) In English, chorreadas means “to pour.”

2) And papa is Spanish for potato.

3) While papa is Latin for pope.

4) Don’t confuse your Latin with your Spanish. Pope Francis is not Potato Francis nor does Papas Chorreadas mean Pope To Pour.

5) Saint Francis showed the world how it was good to be poor.

6) I like to think Saint Francis would have liked this dish. He’s one of my favorite saints.

Hi! People Of Venezuela. My main competitor, Senor Madero promises everything, 
including “To be the salvation of the human species on the planet.” (See poster point 7.) That is indeed a worthy goal. Yet, I entertain doubts he can achieve this. And while he is failing at that, might he not neglect things that matter dearly to the great Venezuelan people?

Such as Bacon, Chocolate, and the Venezuelan hot dog. Have I stood up for bacon? Have I stood up for chocolate? Yes, I have. See the poster for the Bacon & Chocolate Party.

Can I make a Venezuelan hot dog? Yes, I can. See proof below.

Can I speak Spanish?

Si.

“Vote Bocino y Chocolate para una Mañana sabrosa.”

Yemeni Appetizer

HAWAIJ
(spice mix)

INGREDIENTS

2 tablespoons black peppercorns
3/4 teaspoon whole cloves
1/2 teaspoon caraway seeds
1 teaspoon cardamom
2 teaspoons coriander
2 1/2 teaspoons cumin
1 tablespoon turmeric

SPECIAL UTENSIL

spice grinder

PREPARATION

Grind peppercorns, cloves, and caraway seeds in spice grinder. Use fork to mix peppercorn, cloves, caraway, cardamom, coriander, cumin, and turmeric in small mixing bowl. Store mixture in airtight jar.

TIDBITS

1) According to Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales, cardamom is “the spice of Paradise.” It’s not clear how he knew that. Perhaps he had an Ouija board.

2) Since Ouija boards weren’t invented until the twentieth century, it’s clear Chaucer had a time machine. I would have read Canterbury Tales in High School with much more interest if I had known that.

3) According to some vague, unspecified, nebulous people, cardamom was the most popular spice in ancient Rome. Rome conquered Gaul. Gauls did not spice with cardamom. The frightening implication is clear.

4) Cardamom coffee is popular in the Arab world. The Arabs overran North Africa, the Fertile Crescent, the Spanish peninsula, Sicily, and Southern France in only 100 years. The conquering qualities of cardamom explains why it costs more than oil per ounce. Oil fuels countries’ economies, but cardamom is necessary for sheer national survival.

5) Cardamom is more popular in Sweden than any other spice. Sweden has never been conquered by a non-Nordic nation. Even nations with powerful armies respect countries with large cardamom stockpiles.

6) Cardamom is the world’s second most expensive spice. Only saffron cost more. I don’t even want to think what a global conflict over saffron would be like.

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World, is available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Sudanese Entree

MASCHI
(Stuffed Tomato)

INGREDIENTS

1/2 cup rice
1/2 cup water
2 cloves garlic (2 more cloves later)
1 medium onion
1 1/2 pounds beef (round, steak, or ground beef)
1/4 teaspoon allspice
1 tablespoon dill
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 tablespoons vegetable oil (2 more tablespoons later)
2 tablespoons lemon juice
2 tablespoons butter
2 tablespoons vegetable oil
8 large tomatoes

2 tablespoons lemon juice
1 cup water
2 6-ounce cans tomato paste
1/4 teaspoon salt
3/4 teaspoon cinnamon
2 cloves garlic

PREPARATION

Cook rice and water according to instructions on package or rice cooker. While rice cooks, mince 2 garlic cloves and onion. Shred beef, if not using ground beef.

Put cooked rice, garlic, onion, beef, allspice, dill, salt, 2 tablespoons vegetable oil, and lemon juice. Sauté at medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until beef browns and onion becomes soft.

Cut off the middle top part of a tomato. Scoop out the insides of the tomato with a spoon or your finger. (If you’re wondering if you should marry, ask your sweetheart to use the finger methods to help you hollow out these tomatoes. If this exercise goes well, by all means, propose.) Fill tomato with sautéed beef mixture. Close the tomato. Repeat for the other tomatoes.

Put tomatoes in large skillet. Sauté at medium-high heat. Add butter and 2 tablespoons oil. Roll the tomatoes gently in the oil and melted butter until they turn dark red on the outside. Remove skillet from burner.

Mince 2 cloves garlic. Combine lemon juice, water, tomato paste, salt, cinnamon, and garlic in mixing. Pour this sauce over tomatoes. Put skillet back on burner. Reduce heat to low. Simmer for 10 minutes or until sauce is done.

TIDBITS

1) Colonel John Garang led South Sudan’s long struggle for independence. Sudanese forces looked for Garang’s headquarters every day, hoping to decapitate the independence movement. Garang maintained radio silence unless he need to transmit critical information to his platoons.

2) Except when he radioed his congratulations to the Minnesota Twins for winning the World Series. Colonel Garang was a lifelong Twins fan.

3) Bombo Rivera was a mediocre but popular outfielder for the Twins. His popularity derived mainly from his cool sounding name. A song was even written about him. Here is a link to the lyrics, http://coffeyvillewhirlwind.wordpress.com/2007/07/05/the-ballad-of-bombo-rivera/

4) The movie, La Bamba, was made in 1987. It was not about the life of Bombo Rivera and didn’t star Bombo Rivera. Indeed, as far as I can tell Bombo Rivera did not even have a bit role in the movie.

5) The movie, La Bamba, is in English. There is no Spanish version of it, not even one in Esperanto.

6) The only movie made in Esperanto is Incubus. It starred William Shatner.

7) Within a year of that, he landed the role of Captain James T. Kirk in the television series, Star Trek.

8) So knowing Esperanto is useful.

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World, is available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

American Dessert

SUNSHINE MILKSHAKE

INGREDIENTS

1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 1/2 cups milk
1 cup orange juice
1/2 cup sugar
2 bananas

PREPARATION

Peel the bananas. Put bananas, milk, orange juice, sugar, and vanilla extract. Use “milkshake” setting. Blend until shake is sufficiently smooth for your taste.

With the time you saved making this simple recipe over a more complicated one, you can read War and Peace.

TIDBITS

1) Seasoned fishermen put vanilla extract on their hands so fish can’t smell them. How fish hundreds of feet deep in the ocean can smell human way up there in a boat is beyond me.

2) If fish have such a good sense of smell, maybe the TSA should hire them to sniff for drugs and explosives at airports.

3) Of course, the TSA would have to provide fish bowls for their aquatic brethren or the fish would die. And stink. And then no one would want to fly, except the bad guys who would be easy to arrest as they were the only ones flying.

4) Unless, of course, the TSA people eat the fish when they die. Maybe use some lemon juice.

5) It’s an interesting legal question. May a fish working for the federal government be eaten?

6) In 1519, Montezuma invited Cortez to share a chocolate drink (Xocolatl) with him. Cortez accepted the invitation. Cortez soon afterward seized Montezuma and executed him. This is more than bad manners on the part of a guest. If Cortez had not gotten into see Montezuma, he couldn’t have decapitated the leadership of the great Aztec nation. The resulting disarray in the Aztec command gave Cortez enough of an advantage to conquer Mexico.

7) The Spanish went on to conquer Central America, much of South America, and what became the southwestern part of the United States. One can only imagine how culinary history would have been changed in the Americas if this had not have happened.

8) So think about that when you invite someone over for hot chocolate.

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World, is available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Mexican Appetizer

PICO DE GALLO

INGREDIENTS

4 Roma tomatoes
1 medium white onion
1 jalapeno pepper (1/2 or even 1/4 if you like it milder)
1 tablespoon fresh cilantro
4 teaspoons lime juice
1/2 teaspoon salt

PREPARATION

Dice tomatoes, onion, and cilantro. De-seed and dice jalapeno. (Wash hands afterward. If you touch your face before washing, it will burn.) Put tomato, onion, jalapeno, cilantro, lime juice, and salt in bowl. Mix with spoon.

TIDBITS

1) You really should listen to the song “Pico de Gallo” by Trout Fishing in America. The link to the song is: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2kL5f0np7EU. Visit Trout Fishing in America’s website at: http://www.troutmusic.com/.

2) Pico de gallo goes well with tortilla chips.

3) Guatemala has suffered through many years of civil wars. Peasants would often take to the hills to avoid the guerrillas and the government forces. The villagers’ main source of sustenance was the humble tortilla. However, old tortillas dry out and become hard to eat. So the peasants would fry their tortillas in oil to make tortilla chips which lasted longer.

4) Humanity began its ascent in the Americas with the development of the first tortillas in 10,000 B.C.. Beer provided the upward impetus across the Atlantic Ocean. Civilizations such as the Aztecs and the Mayans flourished because of the tortillas and indeed they developed advanced art, architecture, math, astronomy, and pico de gallo. America has the world’s largest economy because of its great tortilla chip and beer industries.

5) The Spanish royalty dispatched Christopher Columbus in 1492 to find these fabled tortilla lands. In 1519 Hernando Cortez conquered the Aztecs on Central Mexico securing a Spanish tortilla monopoly. Mexican tortillas would provide the sustenance for the many and mighty armies that held together the vast and numerous of the Spanish empire..

6) In 1993 China began producing flour tortillas. China will soon have the world’s largest economy.

- Chef Paul

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World, is available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

American Soup

POTATO HAM SOUP

INGREDIENTS

6 Russet potatoes
1 pound ham
1 onion
1/2 teaspoon mustard
1/4 teaspoon paprika
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup butter
1 cup milk
1/2 cup sour cream

PREPARATION

Cut potatoes and ham into 1/2″ cubes. Dice onion. Put potato, ham, and onion into large pot. Add just enough water to pot to cover potato, ham, and onion. Add mustard, paprika, pepper, and salt. Cook on high heat until water boils. Reduce heat to medium and cook for 20 minutes or until potato is tender. Stir occasionally. Reduce heat to warm. Add butter, milk, and sour cream. Stir frequently.

TIDBITS

1) Dom DeLuise starred in a movie called Silence of the Hams. It parodied the movie Silence of the Lambs. Silence of the Hams did not do well at the box office. So I’ll discuss potatoes instead..

2) The Inca Indians of Peru were the first known cultivators of potatoes. They harvested the first spud somewhere between 8,000 BC and 5,000 BC. That’s quite a wide range of years. It’s the same thing as saying your federal-income-tax check will be in the mail sometime from now until the year 5014. See how well the folks at the IRS accept that statement.

3) In 1536, the Spanish conquered the Incan Empire for its potatoes and gold. There are thousands of varieties of potato. There is only type of gold. Gold is an element. The potato is not; it is a tuber. Sure there are such things as white gold but that comes from mixing gold from something, well um, whitish. But just think of the dozens of herbs and spices that can be added to potatoes. Moreover, the mighty tuber is truly tasty, gold not so much. Potatoes beat gold by a technical knockout.

4) Many people believe the first real French fries were actually made in Belgium. If Belgium had thought of patenting French fries, it could have ruled the world and become fabulously wealthy. However, it’s doubtful Belgium’s powerful and envious neighbors: Germany, Britain, and France would have let tiny Belgium continue with this monopoly. It’s certain a long and bloody European war would have erupted. Thank good Belgians shared the recipe. The Great Global French Fry Peace broke out, marred only the interruptions of World War I and World War II. Yay, spuds.

- Chef Paul

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World, is available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

American Appetizer

PRETZELS

INGREDIENTS

3/4 cup warm water
2 cups bread flour or plain flour
1/2 teaspoon sugar
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon brown sugar
1/2 tablespoon dry active yeast

1 egg
no-stick spray
1/2 tablespoon coarse salt
(coarse salt is not a crude sailor)

makes 12 pretzels

SPECIAL UTENSIL

bread maker

PREPARATION

Put water, flour, sugar, salt, brown sugar, and yeast in bread maker. Follow instructions for dough setting. Take a nice relaxing bath for about 45 minutes before summoning courage to beat egg.

Beat egg. Preheat oven to 450 degrees. When bread maker is done, separate dough into 12 pieces. Roll each piece into a 15″ log. Fold each log into a pretzel shape. Spray cookie sheet with no-stick spray. Place pretzels on cookie sheet. Brush pretzels with egg. Sprinkle pretzels with coarse salt. Bake at 450 degrees for 10-to-15 minutes or until pretzels are golden brown.

TIDBITS

1) Pretzels were invented by Christian monks around the start of the seventeenth century. They were given to children for learning their devotions and resembled arms crossing the chest in prayer.

2) Italians, Spanish, and French have always claimed to have invented the pretzel. This disagreement grew so heated that they fought each other constantly from 1494 to 1525. The Spanish eventually prevailed, winning the right to rule Italy and claim ownership of the pretzels for 200 years. Deprived of pretzel bragging rights, the Italians lost interest in the Renaissance. Indeed, arts languished everywhere for hundreds of years until the Richard Wagner’s operas and Jim Henson’s Muppets Show. It is no coincidence that German Wagner and American Henson hail from the two greatest pretzel making countries in the world.

- Chef Paul

Please check out Paul De Lancey’s books on Amazon.com.

or visit his website www.lordsoffun.com for signed copies.

Chinese Entree

ALMOND PORK STIR FRY

INGREDIENTS

1 pound pork loins
½ red onion
2 scallions
½ cup blanched, silvered almonds
2 tablespoons soy sauce
2 ½ tablespoons chicken stock
1 tablespoon sherry
1 teaspoon sugar
1 pound bean sprouts
1 teaspoon Chinese five spices
1/2 tablespoon freshly grated ginger

PREPARATION

Cut pork into ½” cubes. Dice red onion and scallions. Rinse bean sprouts. Add almond, red onion, scallion, and soy to wok or pan. Sauté on medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until onion softens. Stir frequently.

Add pork, chicken stock, sherry, sugar, bean sprouts, Chinese five spices, and ginger to pan. Cook for 5 minutes on medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until pork is no longer pink inside. (X-ray vision would be useful here. If you aren’t a super hero, it’s okay to slice open a pork cube and look.)

TIDBITS

1) In 1764, Spain worried about Russian encroachment on the west coast of America planted almond trees along El Camino Real (The Royal Road) from San Diego to San Francisco.

2) These trees did not significantly deter the Russian military which was generally equipped with ships, horses, cannon, and muskets.

3) The Spanish then tried planting all manner of cacti in Arizona. This failed as well. The Russians weren’t interested in Arizona and the cacti proved remarkably vulnerable to flanking maneuvers.

4) In 1769, the governor of California, Don Antonio Pico de Gallo, came up with the happy idea of building missions along El Camino and staffing them with priests and soldiers. The Russians saw that the price of conquering the Golden State would be too high and left.

5) President Clinton ate almonds at both his inaugurations. Some say he did this to send a message to the Russians, but it is more likely he just like to eat them.

6) Eat the almonds, not the Russians, for goodness sake.

- Chef Paul

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Spanish Entree

PAELLA

INGREDIENTS

l pound large shrimp
4 chicken breasts
½ pound chorizo sausage links
5 garlic cloves
1 medium onion
1 red bell pepper
4 Roma tomatoes
½ teaspoon paprika
2 ½ tablespoons parsley
½ teaspoon thyme
1 tablespoon lemon juice (additional 1/4 cup later)
1 tablespoon olive oil (additional 1 tablespoon later)

1 cup water
7 cups chicken stock
½ teaspoon saffron threads
1 tablespoon olive oil
1/4 cup lemon juice
1 lemon
2 ½ cups short rice

SPECIAL UTENSIL

Dutch oven
sonic obliterator

PREPARATION

Peel shrimp, leaving tails. Cut chicken into 1″ cubes. Cut chorizo sausage links into 1″ slices. Devein shrimp. Mince garlic cloves. Dice onion, red bell pepper, and tomatoes. Make spice blend by adding garlic, paprika, parsley, thyme, lemon juice, and 1 tablespoon olive oil to mixing bowl. Blend with whisk. (There is a lot of prep work here. Be sure to strike a heroic pose while mentioning this to guests.)

Add water, chicken stock, and saffron threads to large Dutch oven. Blend with whisk. Bring to boil on high heat. Add rice. Stir occasionally. Cook on low-medium heat for 20 minutes. Stir occasionally to prevent rice on bottom from burning. Be sure to keep Dutch oven covered when not stirring. This helps cook the rice on top.

While rice cooks, add onion, bell pepper, chicken and second tablespoon of olive oil to large skillet. Sauté onion, bell pepper, and chicken for 2 minutes on medium-high heat. Stir occasionally. Remove chicken and set aside. Add chorizo to skillet. Sauté chorizo for 2 minutes or until chorizo browns. Remove chorizo and set aside.

When rice is done, add chicken, chorizo, sautéed onion, bell pepper, tomato, and spice blend from mixing bowl to Dutch oven. Reduce temperature to low and simmer for 8 minutes. Stir occasionally.

While chicken/chorizo/rice mix simmers, add shrimp to skillet. Sauté shrimp to 2 minutes. Stir frequently. Remove shrimp and set aside. Add shrimp tail-side up to Dutch oven. Simmer on low for 2 minutes or until shrimp has turned orange and is no longer translucent. Sprinkle with 1/4 cup lemon juice. Garnish with lemon wedges.

This is an expensive dish. Use sonic obliterator on anyone who doesn’t appreciate it.

TIDBITS

1) “Paella” is the Spanish word for “paella.”

2) More Spanish people live in Spain than in any other country. A good way to become Spanish is to have Spanish parents give birth to you there.

3) Sevenish means around seven o’clock. However, Spanish does not mean around Span o’ clock.

4) Rabbits like to frolic at seven o’clock. Indeed, the word Spain came from the word Ispania, which means the Land of the Rabbits.

5) Someone in Spain invented the mop. You will lose a tooth if an angry rabbit hits you with a mop. Be sure to put that tooth under your pillow at night, so Ratoncito Perez, the tooth mouse, will see it and give you money.

6) Mice do not play tennis, not even in Spain, but the Spaniard Rafael Nidal does. He has an asteroid belt named after him.

7) Spain is the only European country to produce bananas. It also has bullfighting. Coincidence? It would seem so as Iceland grows bananas but has no bullfighting.

8) In Barcelona, on St George’s Day , 23 April, sweethearts take a break from going to bullfights and exchange books and roses with each other instead.

9) On May 15th all the senoritas in Madrid head to the chapel called Ermita de San Isidro to prick their fingers with pins. They put the pin in a vessel. This will get them a husband. And if the husband misbehaves they can point to the bloody pin as a warning.

10) If pricking your finger is not your thing, consider going to the town of Buñol for La Tomatina. It’s the best food festival in the world and is held every last Wednesday in August. People descend on this Spanish village to eat tomatoes and throw them at each other. What more could you want?

- Chef Paul

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Dutch appetizer

PEANUT SAUCE
(pinda saus)

INGREDIENTS

1 garlic clove
½ teaspoon lemon juice
1/4 teaspoon lemongrass
3/4 cup smooth peanut butter
4 tablespoons soy sauce
1/4 teaspoon sambal oelek (omit if you can’t find it or desire a less spicy sauce)
3/4 cup milk
1/4 teaspoon brown sugar

PREPARATION

Mince garlic clove. Add lemon juice, garlic, and lemongrass to pan. Sauté on medium-high heat for about 3 minutes or until garlic softens. Stir frequently. Add peanut butter, soy sauce, brown sugar, and sambal oelek. Cook on medium heat for 5 minutes or until it just starts to boil. Stir frequently. Reduce heat to low and simmer for 3 minutes until mixture thickens. Stir frequently.

Goes well with: sticky rice, satays, bami goreng, egg rolls, and loempias.

TIDBITS

1) The Netherlands supplies 70% of the world’s bacon. Yay!

2) The Spanish Inquistion sentenced everyone in the Netherlands to death in 1568 . Tough love, you bet.

3) The Netherlands supplies 70% of the world’s bacon. Woot!

4) Amsterdam is home to the greatest number of museums in any one city, including ones dedicated to sex museums. Honey, I’m just going to the museum to improve my mind.

5) The Netherlands supplies 70% of the world’s bacon. Thank you, Netherlands.

7) Amsterdam’s coffee shops can sell you up to 5 grams of cannabis. And then you’ll be hungry for … bacon!

8) The Netherlands supplies 70% of the world’s bacon. Satisfy your bacon munchies here.

9) When not producing bacon, the Dutch are known to indulge in engineering marvels and the arts.

- Chef Paul

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Spanish Entree

PATATAS BRAVAS

(spicy potatoes)

INGREDIENTS

3 garlic cloves
½ onion
2 Roma tomatoes
1 tablespoon flour
½ cup water
5 medium russet potatoes
½ teaspoon pepper
½ teaspoon salt
2 ½ tablespoons olive oil (½ cup more later)
¾ teaspoon cayenne pepper
2 teaspoons Spanish paprika (or paprika)
¼ teaspoon thyme
½ teaspoon sugar
½ cup olive oil
½ tablespoon parsley

PREPARATION

Mince garlic cloves, onion, and tomatoes. Add flour to ½ cup water. Stir until flour dissolves. Put potatoes in large pot and cover them with water. Bring to boil using high heat. Reduce heat to medium and cook for 20 minutes or until potatoes are soft. Carefully remove potatoes and let them cool. Cut potatoes into 1″ cubes. Add potato cubes, pepper, and salt to mixing bowl. Turn potato cubes until they are coated with pepper and salt.

Add 2½ tablespoons olive oil and garlic, onion, and cayenne pepper to pan. Sauté at medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until onion softens and garlic browns. Stir frequently. Reduce heat to low. Add tomato, paprika, thyme, sugar, and dissolved flour. Simmer on low heat for 20 minutes. Stir occasionally.

While tomato/garlic/onion/spice mix simmers, add ½ cup olive oil and potato cubes to second pan. Sauté on high heat for 5-to-10 minutes or until potatoes turn golden brown. Stir constantly Remove potato cubes and place them on paper towels to remove excess oil. Put potatoes in bowls and top with tomato sauce. Garnish with parsley.

TIDBITS

1) Gerona, Spain’s has a dating agency for pets. Happy Animals caters to lovelorn dogs, cats and birds. The mind boggles.

2) You are more likely to be robbed in Spain than anywhere else.

3) Sure, with all those cash-strapped Spaniards needing to pony up big Euros for their animals’ social lives.

4) However, Spain started paying women around a thousand dollars for each baby they have. If they want, the señoras can spend their money at Happy Animals. Maybe with all that extra cash, the robbery rate will fall.

5) If robbery rates fall, people can spend the money they would have spent on alarm systems for their homes on romantic dinners.

6) If Spanish couples have enough romantic dinners, they will have more babies.

7) It costs money to raise babies. A lot more than $1,000. The money to pay for these kids will have to come from somewhere.

9) From cutting out Doggy Dating Centers or taking up robbery. Tough choice.

10) Most Spanish women will curtail their dogs’ love lives.

11) But not all. Home burglaries will soar. Spanish families will have to spend more money on home security. Where will they get the money for all these alarms?

16) From robbing people’s homes. Spaniards will spend ever more money protecting their abode.

17) This will spiral out of control. Lawlessness will stalk the land.

18) The Spanish government will have to step in. The army will have to patrol every home on every street to keep order.

19) But not for long. Spanish families will have no money to pay their taxes. They will have spent it all on burglar alarms. The Spanish government won’t be able to pay its army. Mutinies will break out among the soldiers. This will occur in small units at first. Nothing will coordinated. But the trend will be unmistakable.

20) Where will the authorities get the money to pay its fighting men?

21) From saffron. Saffron costs seven dollars a gram. It’s far more expensive than oil.

22) How will the Spanish get enough saffron to pay its army?

23) By invading Iran. Iran is a huge producer of saffron. Won’t Iran fight back? Yes, it will.

24) And that’s bad. Iran could very well develop nuclear weapons in the near future. Iran also has lots of enemies who will inevitably be drawn into the Spanish-Iranian War. The war will spread until it becomes global. We will have Armageddon.

25) That’s bad. So, let your pets find their own soul mates. It’ll be character building experience for them and save the world as well. Remember, the culinary arts will the first to go after the apocalypse.

- Chef Paul

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Guatemalan Entree

SHUCO
(Hot Dog)

INGREDIENTS

1 yellow onion
⅛ head cabbage
2 chorizo sausages
4 foot-long hot dogs (or as long as you can get)
2 loganizas (white sausage, linguica)
¼ pound thinly sliced bacon
¼ pound thinly sliced ham
¼ pound thinly sliced salami
½ cup guacamole
½ cup mayonnaise
¼ cup mustard
1 teaspoon hot sauce (optional)
4 foot-long hot dog buns or 4 baguettes or 8 regular hot dog buns*

* = You may need to cut the sausages to fit the regular hot dog buns.

SPECIAL UTENSIL

electric grill

PREPARATION

Dice onion. Shred cabbage. Slice chorizos, hot dogs, and loganizas in half lengthwise. Put cabbage with enough water to cover and cook on medium heat for 5 minutes or until cabbage is tender.

Grill bacon, chorizo, hot dog, and loganiza halves on medium heat or at 350 degrees for about 5 minutes or until they look done. (Start grilling chorizo sausages and loganizas with casing side down. Flip them carefully.) Turn as often as necessary to avoid burning meat. Grill ham and salami for 1 minute. Flip meat slices after 30 seconds. Toast buns on grill or in toaster..

Place a chorizo, hot dog, and loganiza half on each bun bottom. Top with bacon and ham and salami slices. Sprinkle each bottom bun with equal amounts of onion and boiled cabbage. Spoon an equal amount of guacamole, mayonnaise, mustard and hot sauce over each top bun. Assemble top and bottom buns to make a delicious feat.

TIDBITS

1) This is the first tidbit.

2) As I recall, shuco means “dirty.”

3) All cooks, in addition to being hotties, are extremely organized and neat. So, calling this dish dirty is unfair. Perhaps some ancient royalty dropped his shuco on the ground and it got dirty. Indeed, some culinary historians think the king, being an oaf, ate the dirty shuco. Three of his nearest courtiers laughed at him. He had them beheaded. The fourth nearest courtier–We know his name. It’s Xatal.–started to laugh. Being a quick thinker, he changed and pretended to clear his throat.

4 The time limit for ancient Mayan royal secrets is 1,500 years. That limit lapsed exactly at the time I typed “pretended” in the previous tidbit. So, I know now the king’s name was Bongo. King Bongo played the bongos. Count Bassie originally toyed with playing bongos but didn’t wish to play second fiddle to Good King Bongo.

5 Some culinary historians take issue with the title Good King, pointing to the frequent executions he ordered.

6) Anyway, Xatal, who has been waiting patiently since tidbit 3 to play his part in culinary history, cleared his throat and said, “Good King Bongo is a medical genius as well as a brilliant musician. There is iron in dirt. Iron makes you strong. Let us all follow his illustrious lead and become strong by eating dirty hot dogs. Hey let’s call them shucos in honor of his son, Prince Shuco.”

7) The ancient Mayans threw their shucos on the ground, ate them, and grew strong. And these strong men formed strong armies and these strong armies conquered lands as far as the eye could see. King Bongo had really good eyesight and liked to stand atop his tall pyramids, so they conquered lots of really far away lands.

8) King Bongo’s eyesight was so keen that many culinary baseball historians think he could have been a better hitter than even the great Ted Williams if his highness had only been born in the 1920s. It’s frightening to think how many World Series the Boston Red Sox could have won in the 40s and 50s if they had had both Ted Williams and King Bongo in their lineup.

9) But the ancient Mayans, although being cracker-jack astronomers, never developed the time machines. Their princes grew up to be kings, not ball players. They’d bash in skulls in battle, not bash balls over the fence.

10) This happy state of Mayan conquest lasted for centuries for their warriors were strong from the iron in the dirt of their dirty hot dogs. In 1540, the Mayan Empire suffered a dirt shortage. Their warriors became weak. In 1541, the Spanish conquistadors attacked. The Spanish were strong from the iron they got from eating sautéed liver. The issue was never in doubt.

11) Vitamins and supplements became widely available to the populations of the world during the twentieth century. Countries that had had no access to Guatemalan suchos or were too disgusted by sautéed liver to eat it were suddenly able to get enough iron to raise armies of strong men. This is why we had two world wars in the last century.

12) Today’s Guatemalan shuco contains nothing but fine ingredients and is one of the ten best hot dogs of the world. Be strong!

– Chef Paul

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Honduran Entree

NACATAMALES

INGREDIENTS – DOUGH

6 cups masa harina or corn flour
1 cup lard, shortening, or butter
1 teaspoon salt (1 more teaspoon later)
3 tablespoons orange juice
5 tablespoons lime juice
4 cups chicken stock

INGREDIENTS – FILLING

⅔ cup rice
2½ pounds pork
3 large potatoes
3 garlic cloves
1 green bell pepper
1 large onion
1 sweet green chile pepper
1 medium tomato
3 tablespoons cilantro
1½ tablespoons cumin
½ teaspoon pepper
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon achiote paste (or ½ teaspoon paprika plus ½ teaspoon vinegar)
2 tablespoons vegetable oil

Makes 18 nacatamales. Takes at least 3 hours.

INGREDIENTS – ASSEMBLY

12 10″-x-10″ banana-leaf squares*
A roll of aluminum foil
Multiple big pots (4½ or larger. Extra pots enables you to cook more nacatamales at once.)
Good restorative drink to keep you going.

* = Banana leaves can be found in Mexican or Asian grocery stores. If they can’t be found, just use the tin foil without them. Oh, banana leaves are curved, not square at all. Bastards.

SPECIAL UTENSILS

electric beater
cooking twine or butcher’s twine

PREPARATION – INITIAL

Soak banana leaves in large pot. You really need to make the banana leaves flexible.

PREPARATION – DOUGH

Add masa harina, lard, and 1 teaspoon salt to first, large mixing bowl. Mix with electric beater set on low. With electric still set on low, slowly add orange juice, lime juice, and chicken stock. Mix until it has the consistency of mashed potatoes. Rev up electric beater to high setting or until it starts to become fluffy. Cover dough and let sit for 30 minutes.

PREPARATION – FILLING

While dough is sitting, cook rice according to instructions on package. Cut pork into ½” cubes. Peel potatoes. Slice potatoes into ½” cubes. Dice garlic cloves, green bell pepper, onion, sweet green chile pepper, and tomato. Add pork cubes, cilantro, cumin, pepper, salt, and achiote paste to second, large mixing bowl. Mix with hands until pork cubes are well coated with spices.

Add vegetable oil, coated pork cubes, and potato cubes to pan. Sauté on medium heat for 20 minutes or until potatoes soften. Stir frequently. Add garlic cloves, green bell pepper, onion, sweet green chile pepper, and tomato. Sauté for 5 minutes or until onion softens. Stir frequently.

PREPARATION – ASSEMBLY

Remove banana leaves soaking in pot. Heat water on high heat until it is scalding hot. Add banana-leaf square to pot. Keep leaf in pot until it becomes flexible. Remove banana leaf. Place ⅓ cup of dough in the middle of the banana leaf. Smooth dough with wet hands until it is about 2″ from the edges of the banana leaf.

Add equal amounts of pork cubes (about ⅓ cup), over the middle of the dough, followed by cooked rice (about 2 tablespoons) and potato cubes (about 1½ tablespoons). Add another ⅓ cup of dough over potato cubes. Smooth top layer of dough gently with wet hands. Fold bottom edge of banana leaf over filling until it reaches the top half of the leaf Gently fold in edges to make a square. Gently–Don’t break the banana leaf–tie kitchen twine around filled banana-leaf square.

Place the filled banana-leaf square over the center of an aluminum-foil square. (The aluminum-foil square large enough to wrap the banana square. Tightly fold bottom edge of foil over filled banana-leaf square. Tightly fold sides of aluminum foil over banana square, then the top side. Tie the aluminum-foil covered square like a parcel with kitchen twine. Repeat process for each banana leaf. There should be a banana leaf softening in the pot while constructing each nacatamale.

Put metal rack in bottom of each pot. Add water to each pot until level is ½” above the racks. (Aluminum cookie cutters work quite well as a substitute for wire racks.) Bring to boil using high heat. Cover and reduce heat to low. Add a single layer of nacatamales to rack. Simmer for 45 minutes. Add water as necessary to keep level ½” above the rack. Remove nacatamales from pots. Repeat for each batch of nacatamales. Remove all twine and tin foil and serve to adoring guests.

If your sweetheart makes this for you, propose marriage immediately.
TIDBITS

1) Nacatamales were invented by Señor Naca Tamale, chef to the royal governor in 1689. They were delicious, so much so that Governor Alfonso Bondigas knew he would win a million pieces of gold if he could send just one nacatamale to the Spanish king, Charles II.

2) So, in 1690, Governor Bondigas sent 100 nacatamales with the annual fleet carrying gold to Spain. They got eaten by the crews.

3) In 1691, Governor Bondigas sent 200 nacatamales with the fleet. 100 got eaten by the crews. The rest got eaten by gourmet rats.

4) In 1692, Governor Bondigas sent 400 nacatamales. The sailors devoured 100, the gourmet rats another 100, and the rest spontaneously combusted. No one saw that one coming.

5) Pirates captured the annual Nacatamale fleet in 1693, tamales having by that time become more valuable than gold.

6) In 1694, the Honduran governor sent 1,600 nacatamales with the nacatamale fleet. Unfortunately, First Mate Pedro Migas placed the nacatamales in the same room where he dried the crew’s socks. When half of the socks fled to a parallel dimension–a journey they continue to this day–they took all the nacatamales with them. By the way, culinary quantum physicists say trans-dimensional aliens took a great liking to nacatamales and can often be found at nacatamale stand through out Central America. You have to look closely for them; their disguises are excellent.

7) In 1695, Governor Bondigas tried catapulting the nacatamales to Spain. They only made it two miles out to sea where they utterly destroyed a pirate fleet. Karma, you bet.

8) In 1696, Señor Bondigas noticed a little boy skipping rocks all the way across a small stream. Could this work with nacatamales? No.

9) Spurred by the efforts of 1697, nacatamale skipping became the premier event of the Spanish-American games. All Honduras went sports mad. Every young man in that land spent every spare moment practicing to win the gold medal in nacatamale skipping. This naturally left no nacatamales left to be shipped to Spain.

10) The banana bug wiped out the banana crop in 1698. No banana leaves, no nacatamales.

11) In 1699, banana growers all used their leaves to make beer. Banana-leaf beer was enormously popular that year. You can only find this beer in a few Honduran villages. The brand is El Banano.

12) In 1700, the Nacatamale Fleet finally made it to Spain with fifty million nacatamales. But Charles II had died two weeks before. His successor, Philip of Anjou, grandsom of Louis XIV exported them all to Britain as a good-will gesture. The British loved the nacatamale. Lasting global peace seemed likely. But the British gobbled the nacatamales up in just one week, got sick of them, and in revenge declared war on France. Wars would rage across Europe for another 245 years. The new Spanish King blamed Governor Bondigas who died broken hearted. However, the legacy of the good man lives on in the millions upon millions of postal packages wrapped in the manner of the nacatamale.

– Chef Paul

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Swedish Dessert

SAFFRANSBRÖD

INGREDIENTS

2¼ teaspoons yeast
⅓ cup warm water
1 cup milk
½ cup butter
¼ teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon sugar (½ cup more later)
½ teaspoon (1 gram) saffron threads
⅓ cup raisins
½ cup sugar
2 eggs (1 more egg later)
4 cups flour (2 more tablespoons later)
2 tablespoons flour
1 tablespoon vegetable oil
no-stick spray

SPECIAL UTENSILS

tin foil
cookie sheet

Makes 4 6″ buns. Takes 2 hours 40 minutes.

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 250 degrees. Add yeast and water to large mixing bowl. While yeast dissolves, add milk to small pot. Heat milk at high heat until scalding hot (almost boiling). Stir constantly. Reduce heat to medium. Add butter, salt, and 1 teaspoon sugar to pot. Stir constantly until butter melts. Remove from heat.

Add saffron to tin foil. Bake at 250 for 5 minutes or until saffron is toasted. Add toasted saffron to cup. Crush saffron with fingers. Add 1 teaspoon sugar to cup. Mix with fork. Add crushed saffron/sugar to mixing bowl with dissolved yeast. Add 2 eggs, raisins, ½ cup sugar, and buttery milk to mixing bowl. Stir in 4 cups flour, one cup a time. Mix with whisk or fork.

Dust cutting board with 2 tablespoons flour. Add dough to cutting board. Let dough stand for 10 minutes. Knead with hands until dough stiffens. Add oil and dough to large bowl. Turn dough until it is coated with oil. Cover and let rise for 1 hour or until dough doubles in size.

Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Divide dough into 12 pieces. Use hands to turn each piece into a 12″ rope. Put 3 ropes side by side. Braid the 3 ropes together by crossing the left rope and then the right rope over the center rope until there is one long braid. Join ends of long braid to make a circle or crown. Repeat to make three more crowns. Beat one egg. Brush egg over crowns.
Spray cookie sheet with no-stick spray. Place crowns on parchment-covered cookie sheet. Let crowns rise for 15 minutes or until they puff up into a bun. Bake for 15-to-25 minutes or until golden brown and when a toothpick inserted into buns comes out clean. Let cool on rack.

TIDBITS

1) Böard is Swedish for surfboard. Yes, surfboards were invented by the Swedish baker, Franf. For in 1618, Franf found a large tree trunk washed up on shore. The tree was of a sort unknown to Europe. Franf reasoned it must have come from a large continent to the west.

2) He announced his discovery to the Swedish court and asked royal packing for a proposed voyage of discovery. The Swedish king said Franf was an idiot, noting Christopher Columbus had discovered the New World in 1492, in addition to Basque fishermen, Viking explorers, the third-grade class of Stockholm’s very own Lutefisk academy, Chinese traders, and the people of the great migration across the land bridge from Siberia to Alaska.

3) Franf wondered why entire tribes would assemble in frozen Siberia and then trek eastward into howling blizzards to an unknown land. Perhaps they really had a hankering for a White CastleTM burger. Those tiny delights with their minced onions are really tasty. Perhaps the ancient trekkers honestly thought there be a White Castle in the new land, just like the Spanish conquistadors and their Seven Cities of Gold. We’ll never know. Researchers are still waiting for the Cliff NotesTM to come out.

4) Franf waited patiently for the above long tidbit to end, before he could go home.

5) He moped for countless seconds–there were no stopwatches in 1618–before rebounding with the boundless optimism of all Post-Renaissance Swedish bakers.

6) Fraf went to a dock, sat down, pulled out his pipe, lit a match, and commenced to day dreaming. His long reddish beard burst into a fireball of flame; not applying the burning match to the pipe was a mistake. Howling with pain, Franf dove into the bay to put out the fire.

7) Flame extinguished, Franf immediately inventoried certain gaps in his education and there were many. However, the one that consistently came to the forefront was not learning to swim. Thank goodness, the tree trunk from the first tidbit, by now worn down to a thin board, was right next to him. (Notice the neat foreshadowing?)

8) Franf climbed onto the board and sat down to think. Here he was sitting in Sweden, the top of world, when suddenly, in geological terms, he caught a wave. “Häftig,” he shouted, “this is totally awesome!” People gathered on the shore as Franf rode one rörformig wave after another. They joined in. Surfing totally rocked Sweden. It was totally tubular, man.

11) Then the Thirty Years war broke out. Thousands and thousands of surfing Swedes lost their lives in the battlefields of Germany, never again to catch that perfect Baltic Sea wave. Surfing died out in that no longer care free Nordic land.

12) But Franf is still remembered in the vibrant culinary, surfing world. This recipe is called Saffransbröd, in anagrammic remembrance, of Franf’s böard.

– Chef Paul

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, are available in paperback or Kindle on amazon.com

The cookbook is also available as an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Argentinian Entree

TUCUMAN EMPANADAS

INGREDIENTS – DOUGH

¾ cup lard or shortening (⅓ cup more later)
5 cups flour
3 teaspoons salt
⅔ cup water

INGREDIENTS – FILLING

¾ pound rump or tenderloin steak
⅔ cup chopped green onion
1 medium white onion
⅓ cup lard or shortening
1 teaspoon cumin
2 teaspoons paprika
¼ teaspoon pepper
1 teaspoon salt
no-stick spray

SPECIAL UTENSIL

8″ x 13″ casserole dish

Makes 4 empanadas. Takes 1 hour 30 minutes.

PREPARATION – DOUGH

Melt ¾ cup lard in skillet using low heat. Add flour and salt to large mixing bowl. Blend with large spoon. Use spoon to make hole in middle of dough. Slowly pour melted lard into hole. Gradually add water while mixing ingredients together by hand until you get a smooth and pliable dough. Cover and let sit for 30 minutes

PREPARATION – FILLING

While dough sits, cut steak into ½” cubes. Mince green onion and white onion. Melt ⅓ cup lard in large skillet using medium heat. Add white onion. Sauté at medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until white onion softens. Stir frequently. Add steak cubes, green onion, cumin, paprika, pepper, and salt. Cook at medium heat for 5 minutes or until meat browns. Stir occasionally.

PREPARATION – FINAL

Preheat oven to 475 degrees. Roll out dough until it is ½” thick. Cut dough into 6″ circles. (You should get about 4 dough circles after you formed the scraps from the initial cutting into more circles.) Add ½ cup filling to the middle of each dough circle. Brush edges of each circle with water. Fold one edge of each circle to the opposite edge. Seal the rounded edges by pressing down on them with a fork.

Spray casserole dish with no-stick spray. Bake empanadas at 475 degrees for 10 minutes. Reduce temperature to 400 degrees. Bake for an additional 10 minutes or until empanadas turn golden brown.

TIDBITS

1) Tucuman empanadas is anagram for the ancient Mayan saying, “Map man, cut a sundae.”

2) Mayan sundaes are delicious. You must have excellent whipping cream to make a wonderful sundae. Most people put cow milk in a bowl to make whipping cream. The olden-day Mayans lifted cows onto their shoulders and hopped from one foot to another until whipped cream came out the cows’ udders.

3) The adventuresome conquistadors, however, were too weak to shake cows. The Spanish warriors needed the strong backs of the Mayan. Which is why they conquered the Mayan peninsula.

4) The conquered natives did not get any of the cow-shaken cream. They did not get the Mayan milk shakes. They did not get enough calories to wage war on their neighbors.

5) The Spanish soldiers, on the other hand, received enough calories to do anything, including growing big bellies. Cortés, physical fitness instructor for Governor Velázquez grimaced every time he saw the paunchy conquistadors wheezing their way back from the many sundae shops.

6) Something had to be done. Señor Cortés knew he had little job security. One word from Velázquez and faster than teenagers eat their family meal he’d be out of a job. And just try to get another physical-fitness job from the other fifteenth-century European monarchs. So Cortés seized power when Governor Velázquez went on a Club MedTM vacation.

7) Cortés ordered the Spanish soldiers to attack the Aztec Empire to the west. They refused.

8) “The Aztecs have chocolate.” The conquistadors sighed. “Ooh, chocolate.” Everyone knew that chocolate sundaes were even tastier than the plain vanilla ones. Cortés brandished his sword above his head. “Their streets are paved in chocolate. Will you follow me?” Well of course they did, I mean chocolate.

9) The long arduous trek to the Aztec capital burned off many calories. The incessant fighting made them even fitter. The Spanish soldiers developed washboard-flat stomachs and buns of steel. The buff Conquistadors made all the European señoritas swoon with delight.

10) Naturally, the soldiers of France, Spain, Portugal became jealous. They wanted honeys of their own. They pestered their monarchs until they too got sent over to the New World to engage in conquest and other forms of aerobic exercise.

11) Things are not so violent now that we have workout DVDs.

– Chef Paul

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, are available in paperback or Kindle on amazon.com

The cookbook is also available as an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com